The 80s and 90s were the golden years of action movies (and let’s face it, movies in general). Using a range of highly complicated scientifically formulated algorithms, we have complied a definitive list of the best ball tearing action movies from a time when men had mullets and women did synth drum fills.
1. Rambo (all 4 movies)
This one is a no brainer. The correct order to watch these is 4, 1, 2, 3. The 4th one is the best. It starts with John Rambo working a poisonous snake wrangler/black smith. Then there’s a bit where he rips out a would be rapists throat out with his bare hands. And also a part where he’s just running through the jungle for aaaggges. Which doesn’t sound that impressive until you remember that the guy is in his 60s. He’s old enough to get the seniors discount at food star but he’s straight up fucking shit up in the Burmese jungle!
2. Tango and cash
Straight up dope movie. It’s Slyvester Stallone and Kurt Russel. What’s not to like? Plus Teri Hatcher doing a strip tease that is just her wearing a bikini while doing 80s drum fills on a synth pad is pretty much guaranteed to give you a full blown chub (or lady chub).
Classic Arnie. This movie is chock full of balls out action and sweet as fuck one liners. The bad guy is played by Vernon Wells wearing a chain mail tank top with fingerless gloves and leather pants. At the end Arnie (aka John Matrix. Awesome name.) kills so many people that they use the same extra like 3 or 4 times and think we wouldn’t notice.
4. Die Hard (1 and with a vengeance)
John McClain is the man! But he is definitely best when he is wrecking the Gruber Bros shit. Suck it Hans and Simon!
5. Double Team
Wouldn’t be an action movie list without a bit of JCVD. Double Team has all of the Jean Claude staples: JCVD doing the splits, JCVD wearing inappropriate shorts, JCVD ripping shit up with round house kicks. While his other movies are incredible (Double Impact has him playing twins and is off the hook. Time cop is about time travel so you KNOW it’s gonna be good. Kick boxer and Bloodsport are both timeless classics), Double Team teams JCVD up with Dennis Rodman and there’s a part where they jump out of a plane in a giant basketball ??
Tom berenger and motherfucking Billy Zane tearing up a bunch of choads up in the South American jungle. At one point Tom Berenger snipes a rival sniper right through his sniper scope, which is pretty much the most impressive way for a sniper to take out an enemy sniper.
Aside from just being an absolute rip snorter of a movie, Predator has some of the best dialogue of any movie I’ve ever seen. When Jesse “the body” Ventura says “Y’all a bunch of slack jawed faggots. This stuff will make you god damn sexual tyrannosaurus” it made me wanna start chewing tobacco. I tried it once. It wasn’t that good.
I don’t what everyone was talking about. I’ve seen this movie seven times. It rules!
9. Stop or my mom will shoot
Sylvester Stallone and the mum from The Golden Girls fucking shit up. Enough said.
10. Terminator 2
As if this wouldn’t be in here.