I’m a level 12 fire mage with an amulet that grants me +24 to agility. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Fuck me! That’s one agile fire mage!” and you would be right. I’m as agile as a Thompson’s Gazelle (if that Thompson’s Gazelle was running at about 40% efficiency).

My exploits are the stuff of folk lore and legend. My most noted adventure, of course, being the time I freed almost 150 mole men from a discount tile and flooring warehouse. They had been kidnapped from their underground lair at a young age were made to work under appalling conditions. Among other injustices they faced on a daily basis, they were forced to slash the prices on  already discontinued tile ranges by 40, 50, and sometimes up to 60%!!! I saw to it that those prices would never be repeated!

I will never forget the look in the mole people’s cataract covered eyes (as I’m sure you all know, mole people have developed thick cataracts over their eye balls from the years lack of exposure to direct sunlight spent in their subterranean domiciles) as they hesitatingly cast aside the shackles of many months of oppression and hobbled to back to the confined freedom of their underground homeland.

One moment in particular with live on in my memory for the rest of my days. A young, comely (by mole people standards) female mole person approached me to express her gratitude for freeing her people from that bargain basement priced hell hole. At first I was unsure weather she was male or female as all mole people look very much alike to a topsider, such as my self. It was only when she lifted the skin flap which covers their reproductive glands that I was able to tell with with any certainty which sex this individual actually was.

Anyway, she approached me, lifting her skin flap, and gently whispered into my ear in what I can only assume was meant to be an erotic voice “Oi you can get in on this vag if you want”, while pointing to her now exposed female organ.

Somewhat taken aback by her forwardness I replied, “Eww gross!”

Offended, yet still clearly aroused, she retreated down the tunnel to her homeland.

Years later I would find out that she was in fact the president of the mole people, and that due to my perceived insult in not boning her, I was banned from the kingdom of the mole people for 5 years (according to the statute of limitation in their customs, that is the longest a penalty can be enforced for).

I didn’t really care though because I don’t really want to go to their crappy kingdom anyway. From what I’ve heard it’s a real shit hole.

But that is a story for another time…