Hi Michael,

Thanks for deleting my number from your database. It was most appreciated. Until, once again, this morning I received a call from your motley crew of rag-tag marketeers. Now, I’m not a scientist, but this leads me to believe that my number hasn’t, in fact been deleted. And begs the question “why hasn’t it been deleted?”

Is it just you trying to disrespect me? Because, Mike (do you mind if I call you Mike), when that phone rang and I saw that all too familiar number appear on my screen, I didn’t see a number I just saw a big fat middle finger raised in defiance right at me. It was like someone flipping me the bird and it hurt, Michael. It hurt. It was like being kick directly in the nads. I don’t know you’ve ever been kicks in the balls while being flipped off, Mike, but I can tell you right now it’s not a pleasant feeling. But you seem like a reasonable chap (based on our last two emails) so I’m guessing that this is not of your doing. Which leads me to believe that there may be a rogue element in your sales team. Renegades like this should be dealt with swiftly and without compassion. I’m not saying anyone should lose their jobs over this. I think 20 to 25 lashings in front of the rest of your staff should get the message across nicely (while setting a good example for the rest of your team). If you have a cat-o-nine tails available I would suggest using that for the lashings. If not, they are actually quite simple to make. All you need is nine thin leather straps tied to a short stick, then you tie various objects to the ends of each strap (traditionally, fragments of bones and small stones are used. These days such items are getting harder and harder to come by with all of us living in big cities. I guess the modern day equivalent would be bits of broken glass and nails or screws? It’s really up to you what you use).

I know, it sounds harsh but it’s your job to lead your team and I know from experience that you cannot lead without the fear and respect of your minions. When you tell your team to do something (or in this case not to do something do ie. Call me) and they disobey that instruction, well that is not unlike them taking a big steamy turd right on your face. If I could offer you a new way of thinking that would, I feel, greatly improve your renegade staffing problem. It’s quite simple and it goes like this: WWJRD (what would John Rambo do?) John Rambo doesn’t take any shit and neither should you Mike. You’re sales team is taking you on a ride straight to mediocracy and I can’t stand to see you go down like that. Do you think John Rambo would lay down and let his sales team shit all over him? No. If someone draws first blood John Rambo shoots down their helicopter with his bow and arrow. Or he’d crash a tank into their helicopter. Or he’d steal their 50 cal machine gun and mow down all of their mates while his friend is shooting some more of them with a 50 caliber sniper rifle. Or he’d just run for ages through the jungle even though he’s in his 60s. Are you getting the picture Mike? You have to be hard or your team won’t respect you.

Thank you for your time.

Tim Haberfield

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I received no reply to this, however, I also was never called by these guys again.

I can only assume the whipping went well.